I actually got Nergal’s biography, Confessions of a Heretic, last year when it first came out but I didn’t finish it. So, when I planned to see Behemoth again in April, I decided to reread it in the spirit of things. The book centers on Nergal, of course, and is very comprehensive; while Behemoth plays a large role in it, the focus is always on Nergal and his relationship to the band, and he always speaks from his own perspective instead of speaking for the other guys as well.
Confessions of a Heretic covers the entirety of Nergal’s life up until roughly the release of The Satanist and the book. Nergal candidly recalls his childhood (accompanied by an adorable picture of him as a baby), the early years of Behemoth and its growth into well, a behemoth, his flirtation with super-stardom and relationship with Polish pop diva Doda, and his battle with the cancer that tried, and failed, to take him down. Throughout this review I keep finding myself saying “candid,” and that’s really the best word for it, I think; Nergal is always straightforward, always passionate, and never flinching throughout the entire book. His worldview is expansive enough to allow for Behemoth to grow into one of the biggest extreme metal bands in the world and to allow him to socialize outside of his typical circle without ever feeling as though he has compromised his position. Nergal vehemently states at several points that he keeps “one foot in the underground,” that he will never forget where he came from, and that Behemoth will always maintain their ethos.
While the entirety of the book is fascinating, there were a few parts that excited me in particular. First of all, I was very interested to read about Nergal’s relationship with his native Poland. It’s a rocky one, unsurprisingly; lots of people, myself included, have deep resentment for the places from whence they came, especially if they never were made to feel as though they belonged there. However, despite his frustration and stubborn belief that Poland could be so much more than it is, Nergal has remained in his home country, deciding not to follow his older brother’s footsteps and go somewhere else. “The band is located in Poland,” he says, then later, “Poland is my home” (103).
Another part of the book that I found really interesting was Nergal’s decision to commit apostasy (Chapter 12). Of course, as the interviewers argue, there was never any real question as to whether Nergal was a good practicing Catholic, but he was determined, despite multiple attempts at dissuasion from the priest who had to approve it, to formally break from the Church. Apostasy has always been interesting to me as a non-Catholic. I think it must be freeing to have it formally done; a priest says “Ok. You’re not part of the Church anymore,” and it’s a formal thing rather than saying “I no longer believe this” and then panicking for the next decade of your life, not that I have experience with that. Ahem. But this chapter was really intriguing to me, because, as it turns out, it’s not that easy to commit apostasy, and I found Nergal’s determination to do so, anyway, even if it was just symbolic, inspiring.
I also found it interesting to learn that Nergal has legally changed his name to Adam Nergal Darski (76), and his reasoning behind doing so. Everyone, it seems, calls him Nergal or Ner anyway, with the exception of his parents, and he decided to change his name legally. “I became Adam when I was christened. That’s what they called me without asking for my opinion. I became Nergal because I wanted to. I chose that name knowingly and consciously,” he says, citing a change of name as another break from his christening (76). I find this really interesting in light of reading Richard Cavendish’s book The Black Arts (I have all kinds of opinions on this thing that I won’t go into here) and the idea of true names and the power of names, and the efforts magicians go to in order to protect their true names, etc. It’s not entirely the same, of course, but at the heart of it, it is- names have power, and being able to make a conscious choice about what yours will be is important.
Other fun things in Confessions include stories of Nergal’s run-ins with the paparazzi (he is good at avoiding them; think action-movie-car-chases), his relationships with women and how they have changed over the years (he is very aware of his good and bad qualities, and it’s cool to hear him so openly discuss them), and his statement that he clearly knows nothing about wine since he likes whites, which, as a devoted red-wine-drinker, I agree with. Also, the infamous Kentucky Bible-tearing incident is covered, so you get Nergal’s perspective on that as well.
In a more general sense, Confessions was translated from Polish into English, and at times the language feels a little stiff, which tends to happen in translation. By no means is it distracting, and the prose is smooth, but there are times in the book when I really wish I could read Polish, because I feel almost certain that there are words and images that cannot be conveyed in English.
The format of the book is also unconventional in that it is entirely question and answer. Confessions is written in an interview format, with Nergal’s friends Krzysztof Azarewicz and Piotr Weltrowski asking the questions and Nergal providing answers. What’s really cool is that Azarewicz and Weltrowski have known Nergal for a long time, and so they aren’t afraid to ask him personal questions and rile him a bit, and you get the feeling that they are still friends after the fact. I think this is why the whole book feels very candid, like a discussion amongst friends, which makes it overall very refreshing. The English version also contains a well-written and thoughtful forward by Randy Blythe of Lamb of God.
In terms of the physical object itself, the book is nice. It has one of those covers that will appeal to weirdos like me who really like textures, and has cool photo pages and artwork (the artwork looks a lot like woodcuts from the kinds of things I study). My only complaint as a book nerd is that it’s a big book and the pages are glued into the spine, so I don’t think it will enjoy a super long shelf-life without some repairs.
Overall, I really enjoyed Nergal’s book. As I said, at times it felt a little stiff, but I think that was because of the translation. It was really fascinating to hear about so many aspects of Nergal’s life, and to see how his pride, his stubbornness, and sheer force of will have carried him through so many trials. That being said, Nergal also remains humble in regards to what he does, continually placing his band above himself, showing a willingness to understand and try to overcome his failings, and in how grateful he is simply to be alive. I’ll leave you with this quotation, because I think it’s important, from when the Azarewicz and Weltrowski asked Nergal what he thought of Satyricon opening the skiing world championships and Gaahl working in the fashion world (134): “Black metal, first and foremost, means individualism. It also promotes freedom without limitations.”
So there you have it, from Nergal himself. You do you, no matter what, and do it as hard as you can. Black metal is, ultimately, about no compromise.
-H